Forever December"
by Darien Mayne
Summary: The story of Griffin and his sister Jill - illustrates her fall from grace and ultimately her death.


"Forever December"  
by: Darien Mayne  
  
He turned over facing the wall. His heart was pounding wildly, the exhaustion of his body matching the complete exhaustion in his heart. Only his heart was in need of more attention.  
"Hey?" He felt her hands sliding down his back and curling around his waist, "Not gonna fall asleep on me, are ya?" She giggled, starting to advance on him.   
He sat up, grabbing his jeans off the floor. "No. But I better get outta here."   
She smiled, "No, it's cool. My parents won't be home for a few hours."  
He looked at her for the first time, feeling worse as he did. "I can't. I gotta get home."  
"What's wrong with you?"  
"Nothing." He forced a smile, leaning down to kiss her. "I'm sorry, I just need to get home before my dad does."   
"I thought you said he was out of town?"  
"What?" Griffin replied, faking confusion.  
"Why do you feel the need to lie to me? Just say you got what you want."  
"Look, I don't --"  
"Don't worry, Griffin, I'm used to it. I wasn't wanting to marry you or anything!" She laughed, flopping down on her back. As if to get her ambivalence across, she ignored that the sheet had fallen down and glared at him from her compromising position, "Just go, Griffin."  
"I'm sorry, Hannah."  
She closed her eyes as he said her name. Why did he have to say her name? If he had just pretended not to care at all, but saying her name was .... She slowly reached for the sheet, looking away, "Please, go.. now."   
He grabbed his jacket from the chair as he left the room. He turned back to her, hesitating at the doorway. Finally realizing there was nothing left to say, he shook his head and left her alone in the room.  
  
  
************  
  
"What's the story, morning glory?" Jill flopped down at the kitchen table, smiling at Griffin.   
"What are you so happy about?"  
"Nothing. Just that I know you were out late last night. I'm hoping this means you found a new woman?"  
Griffin looked at her with an air of mockery, "As opposed to what?"  
"That little number that took off."  
He looked back down, "Belinda. Her name was Belinda."  
"I'm sorry," She frowned, "Don't get all pissy on me for bringing her up. I've just been worried about you, you know? And I don't like bitches who hurt my brother!"  
"She wasn't a bitch."  
Jill took the hint and got up to get herself some breakfast. She sat down again and smiled at him, "Truce?"  
He smiled, "I'm not mad at you. In fact, I kinda like it when you're nosey."  
She shot him an indignant expression, "Me? Nosey?"   
Griffin watched her picking the toast apart on her plate. She'd make a face at one piece and drop it, while eating the next piece. He laughed at her process. She'd always done that, even as a little girl.   
She looked up at his laughter, "What?"  
"Nothing." He watched her return to the tedious process, "Hey? Can I ask you a question?"  
"Depends. Are ya gonna eat that last brownie?" She eyed his plate. He laughed and pushed it toward her. "Thanks!" She grabbed it, taking a big bite and smiling. "Ok, so, ask away."  
"Well, it's really stupid, it's just that I figured since you've dated a lot of guys you might --"  
"I didn't exactly 'date' all of them." She giggled.  
"I was just .... " He shook his head and started pushing away from the table, "Nevermind, it's stupid!"   
She held fast, "What? Tell me."   
"I was just curious if you liked all the guys the same? Like, when you were with them?"  
"Are you talking about relationships? Or sex?"  
He laughed, "Yeah, good answer."   
She narrowed her gaze, "Are you making fun of me?"  
"No."  
"You think I'm cheap?"   
"No! Why would you -- this isn't about you, Jill. I wasn't trying to get into your business. I'm just confused and thought you might have some answers. You know, about lovers and all."   
"Are you asking if I've been in love?"  
"I don't know. Maybe..." He flashed her his goofy smile.  
"You are talking about sex, right? Like, did I feel the same about each guy I've been with?"  
"Yeah."  
She thought for a moment then frowned, "I guess I'm not very selective."  
"I didn't say that."  
"I like to have fun. I don't want to be sitting around counting all the ways I could shorten my life. I can't think of a more effective way to kill yourself than to live like you're dead already."  
He stared at her, knowing how serious she really was - behind closed doors. She had the need to let everyone think she was perfectly capable of handling everything that came along. Only she rarely was. "That doesn't matter. I meant physically, did each time with whoever you were with feel the same?"  
"Wow! Well, there have been *alot* of "whoevers"! I don't know if I could track down all the--"  
Griffin grunted annoyed, "Oh stop it!"  
Jill studied him for a moment, "Does it bother you that I'm, shall we say, 'a slut'?"  
"You are NOT a slut!"  
She smiled at his still trying to protect her. They were practically a year apart in age, and he still acted as if he were decades her senior. She knew he hated when she talked badly about herself, even more than when he overheard someone else speaking badly about her. "I go for the fun side of life, not so much the important or serious side. I know you're different though, Griffin. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that."  
"What do you mean? Different how?"  
"Well, when talking about relationships and all, you get so involved with people. You fall in love too easily. But that's not a bad thing. That's really cool that you can trust people that easily and see past all the bad shit about them. That's where I get stuck. I see one bad thing about them and it just .. amplifies! I sit there concentrating on that one annoyance, until it drives me crazy!"  
He laughed, "That's normal. Everyone singles out the annoyances. That's how we can end up with just one person in the end."  
"Except you. You don't pick out the annoyances."  
He thought for a moment, realizing she was right. He shrugged, "I guess sometimes the good outweighs the bad."  
"Like with me?" She smiled, "Most people give up on me, real quick. You see the good stuff - what there is of it, anyway. Why is that?"  
"You are an incredible person, Jill. You're funny and goofy and wild and yet really passionate and loving. That's a helluva combo!"  
She blushed for a moment, then looked down at her plate, "So, what are you asking, anyway?"  
"Last night I was with Hannah an--"  
"Hannah Davis??"  
"Yeah." Griffin laughed at Jill's expression. "I know, I know. She's a bit of a slut."  
"A bit? She practically has had the whole football team carve notches in her bed post!"  
He looked down, adding softly, "That's what I was looking for."  
"A slut?"  
"No, I just didn't want to have to try too hard.  
"Hell, with her all you have to do is have a pulse and she'll do ya seven ways to Sunday!"   
Griffin smiled for moment, then the pensive look returned, "Yeah, but that's the thing! It was really awful. I mean, like .... bad!"  
"Don't tell me she's one of those 'just lay there' chicks?"  
"No. She was, fine. I mean, normal or whatever, I guess. But it wasn't like that with Belinda."  
Jill saw the pain in his eyes at mentioning his ex-girlfriend; his first love. She had decided she was too old for Griffin and just left town, without so much as a note. His heart had literally been broken and Jill silently cursed the girl again. "You just needed more time, before being with someone else. Like I said, you get too emotionally involved with people."  
"So was that .. sex?"  
She stopped clearing the table and looked back at him, "What do you mean?"  
"Every time with Belinda was, like, incredible. Is there really a difference between love and sex? Was that what the problem was last night?"  
Jill's stared at him for a moment. Was she understanding him correctly? He looked at her with total confusion and she realized she *was* understanding him. Her mouth dropped, but she quickly composed herself before he noticed her surprise. He had only had sex with Belinda until the night before! The realization was too much to believe! He was constantly being hit on and always had dates. And----  
Griffin noticed her shock, and quickly dismissed the conversation, "Nevermind."  
"No! I was just ... thinking."  
"Ah, forget it. I'm just thinking too much. It was probably just because I really hate Hannah. She drives me insane."  
"I'm sorry."  
"For what?"  
She pouted, "For being so different. I mean, for making you feel like . . ." She shook her head, "Sorry for being .. a slut"  
Griffin slapped her on the arm, "You are not a slut! Where do you get this stuff?" He smiled, "But, anyway, I think I might be. I mean, I did *Hannah*!"   
"You should see someone. I know a great shrink to talk to." She teased.  
"Considering the issue, I think I'd more likely need a *real* doctor."  
She giggled, "Maybe so, you slut."   
  
************************  
  
Jill took two beers off the counter, smiling coyly at the bartender as she did. He grinned, knowing she was nowhere near the drinking age, but not caring after a smile like that. She winked at him, liking the way he got embarrassed at her attention.  
She was too busy flirting to see where she was going and bumped into someone. She turned around, facing Griffin.   
He looked at her sternly, "Hey, what are you doing?!"  
"Nothing, why?"  
"Nothing?" He pointed to the beer.  
"Yeah, nothing!" She gestured to the beer he was holding.   
Griffin started laughing. He hated that he always felt the need to protect her, but rarely did.  
"I think you might be a few ahead of me, there Griff." She giggled at her lately sullen brother, who was now laughing loudly. "How many *have* you had?"  
"I dunno, a few." He motioned toward the back of the club, "You wanna join us?"  
Jill squinted to see who he was with.   
"Wyatt and Lisa." He answered. "And some chick named Darlene."   
"Darlene, huh?"  
"A friend of Lisa's. They go to UC together."  
Jill shook her head, "Nah, I'm on a date. He's actually more boring than a root canal. But that's what the beer is for!" She laughed. "You go get Darlene, ok?"  
"I already got her. Just need to figure out what to do with her."   
"I'm sure you can think of *something*!" Jill winked and started fighting the crowd to her table. She finally sat down beside her date, handing him a beer.   
"About time, babe." He reached for her leg under the table and she pushed back the urge to slap him. She hated being called "babe". She hated the look this guy always gave her. She could tell he *knew* she was a sure thing. He knew he could treat her any way he wanted. She hated his voice, his mannerisms, even his mere look agitated her.   
She didn't like how every boy treated her that way. Why had one boy never treated her the way Griffin treated women? Why was everything *only* about getting laid to boys? And why was she surprised that it was no different with this guy?   
She ignored him as he claimed her leg and started kissing her neck and grabbing her chest. No one could see in the dark club, so she let him. She looked toward Griffin, her mind running wild with worry for him. She wished Darlene could be any and everything he needed, but somehow she doubted it.   
She watched Wyatt and Lisa making out, wondering if it depressed Griffin as much as it did her. They were one of those decade type couples that were seldom apart and when they were, there was still that "I'm taken so don't even look at me" vibe given off. Didn't it depress him to be around them? Didn't they notice he was unhappy? She wanted to shoot them both for flaunting themselves in front of him.  
She suddenly realized Mr. Right Now had started unbuttoning her shirt. She started to object, but couldn't be bothered. Her mind was on Griffin, not the jerk. She heard Griffin laugh and smiled, turning back to watch as he brushed Darlene's hair off her cheek and moved in to kiss her.   
Jill liked seeing him with someone. She liked hearing his laughter and watching him slowly kissing Darlene. Then she saw him groping her chest, at exactly the same time her date squeezed hers. She wanted to scream - at them both!   
She hated that this jerk she was with was trying to get her shirt off - in a crowded club, with hundreds of people surrounding them, including her big brother! And worst of all, her big brother was over there acting like every other damn boy! He wasn't like that and she hated seeing him acting that way.   
She wanted to get out of there. She didn't want to watch Griffin, anymore. She wanted to ignore life for awhile and pretend she was someone else. She needed to be someone else bad enough that she grabbed the jerk's hand while holding her shirt closed with the other and lead him from the club, letting him have what he wanted when they got to his car.   
Anything to be someone else for awhile . . .   
  
  
  
*******************  
  
"What -- are we d--oing h--ere?" Griffin laughed, trying to speak between kisses. Darlene pushed him to the bed, kissing him more anxiously. "Dar--??"   
"What do you think we're doing here?" She laughed at him, pulling his shirt over his head.   
"At Wyatt's, though?" He giggled at himself, realizing he was about to have sex in his best friend's bed. Now *that* was taking a friendship to an all new level! He started laughing at the thought and ripped at her shirt.   
"That's more like it!" Darlene smiled, watching him undressing her and loving the fire that spread through his eyes.  
He pulled here down to him, kissing her hungrily. He pulled back at the longing noise she gave him and started to work on her skirt, instead. He got half of the buttons undone before she stopped him, shaking her finger at him, naughtily.   
She pushed him down, smiling wickedly. She got busy, enthralling him, making the night seem younger than it was, making him question his headfull of confusion and doubts ... He realized then that maybe love and sex *was* all in the same. The primal satisfaction he got from Belinda he was now getting from Darlene. Maybe it all just went back to animal instinct. Maybe it didn't matter whether you loved the person or not - it was just sex.   
He loved her soft kisses, her sweet smiles, her gentle hands... Her entire romance setup had intrigued and interested him at first, but as he looked into her eyes, he suddenly hated the whole idea. He hated the sight of her touching him. He hated the feeling of her touching him. His *body* had liked it, but looking into her eyes as she did so suddenly made him remember the way Belinda had been with him.   
He finally realized he had been fooling himself earlier. The hard proof between sex and love suddenly made her attention feel empty and disgusting. He felt sick. He wanted the twisted version of romance to stop - immediately! It was fake ... it was all empty. He pushed her away, watching her laughing. She wasn't paying enough attention and thought he was just playful and impatient. She reached to kiss him, but he stopped her. There was no way he wanted her kissing him. Kissing was too much about romance and this was anything but, now. He grimaced at the thought as she grabbed his shoulder, "What's wrong?"  
Griffin held her eyes for a moment, then turned over, poising above her. He shoved her skirt up and ripped her panties off. He dropped down to her and gripped her knees, yanking her open for him. He slid between them, closing his eyes as he entered her. And there he took her ... wildly and hastily.   
She grunted as she felt him inside her and wrapped herself around him, yanking him against her - harder and harder, until he stilled anxiously, his body stiff and rigid, waiting for and finally finding that release he had needed so badly. He grunted and quickly rolled off her, lying on the bed, breathlessly. Finally he sat up and started to dress, realizing he hadn't even noticed if she had climaxed.   
  
  
  
*******************  
  
Griffin listened to the crickets chirping as he walked through the park. He tried to avoid looking at the merry-go-round on the play grounds, knowing it would only remind him even more of Belinda. They had spent countless nights there, lying on their backs looking up at the stars and talking for hours.  
He caught himself looking in that direction anyway, cursing himself when he did. He was so disgusted at himself! Not only had he just had sex with someone he couldn't have cared less about if he made the conscious effort to do so, but he had treated her so badly. He treated her so roughly. He treated her so coldly. He treated her .... like a whore.  
He knew he shouldn't be so hard on himself, since Darlene had made no indication of being upset. In fact, she had dressed just as quickly, and kissed his cheek before leaving, saying he was 'totally awesome'. She said she was going to walk back to Lisa's house, but he knew she was probably going back to the club. He didn't care at that point. He just wanted to get the hell out of there.   
He knew that was what Darlene had wanted - quick and easy sex. That's all she had expected and Griffin had passed the test with flying colors! But it made him feel sick all over again, trying to imagine ever treating Belinda like that. He'd feel like he was practically raping her if he had ever behaved so roughly with her.   
And most telling was how he just had her and bolted. He never asked if she had climaxed. He simply did not care! When had he ever acted that way? He used to make himself hold back with Belinda, until he knew she was satisfied, then he'd let himself go. He wanted to make HER feel good, not just feel good himself. In fact, half the time he was so occupied with making her feel what she wanted, that he was no where close to finishing when she would climax.   
Belinda used to laugh at him about it, the few times he'd be totally unprepared for her to be finished, making her giggle in the cutest way at how much he catered to her. She had loved how much he pampered her. In such cases, she'd usually make him surrender to her kind of pampering, and that always proved to render his most powerful orgasms.  
He shook his head at the thought. This time he hardly knew the girls name, couldn't have cared less if she was feeling good or not, and quite frankly just wanted to get off and get outta there! He felt like every woman's worst enemy, at the moment. He hated the way guys treated his sister, and had almost gotten himself killed several times tracking down a few of the worst ones.   
Darlene was someone's little sister, too. She was someone's daughter. Someone would be hurting over how he had treated her -- just like it hurt him seeing how people treated Jill. And now he was supposed to go home and face Jill? After how he had just behaved?  
  
******************  
  
Jill saw Darlene entering the noisy club, all alone. She fought the crowd, crossing to meet her. "Hey, didn't you leave with Griffin?"  
Darlene smiled slowly, "Yeah, we, um .. just went for a walk. But he went home, I think."  
"A walk, huh?" Jill started to laugh.  
"Shit, I knew he had to have a girlfriend." She shook her head, "Look, he was drunk, and I'm not exactly sober, as you can see. Besides, it was just sex. That's all." She started to walk away.  
Jill grabbed her shoulder, "I'm not his girlfriend, I'm his sister. So just cut the crap." She studied her, frowning disgustedly, "And not that it would matter to you, but he's single. Griffin isn't the type to cheat, but I doubt you'd know that, either."  
"Nice to hear." Darlene peered at her hand on her shoulder, silently warning her. "Look, he wasn't much different from any other guy I've been with. He's a guy, not a saint. All guys want the same things."  
Jill pulled her hand away, "And I'm sure you're just the one to give them that."  
She flashed her an uninterested glance, "Wouldn't you like to know the feeling of being every man's fantasy? Bringing love to the unloved, if just for a moment? Now, if you'll excuse me--"  
"That wasn't love. And you'll never know love if you keep on like you are." She turned and left the loud building. Once she was out in the cool night air, she realized she was crying. She angrily wiped the tears away.  
She had been so mad at Griffin for the past few hours. Mad that he was starting to act like every other guy. Mad that he was going to let one woman's rejection make him forget about love and tenderness. Mad and scared that he would turn out like the jerks she dated.   
But when she saw Darlene's empty eyes, she knew Griffin had no hope against her. She was one of those women who could make any man think the way out of any pain was to have fun and just forget about anything with meaning. Darlene was ..... just like her.   
  
  
***********   
  
Griffin stared at the clock, worrying more when he saw it was already four-thirty in the morning. Jill still hadn't come home, and he found himself abnormally concerned. She was always sneaking in late, but was never out past two-thirty. He would sometimes stay out days at a time, but Jill couldn't. The Major made it painfully obvious that Griffin was not his main concern, but he had a connection with Jill.   
Maybe it was just the daddy's little girl mentality, but he was always more strict, yet loving, towards her. He thought it odd that his dad, being the macho kinda guy, favored his only daughter instead of focusing on the boys who could follow in his footsteps and join the service.   
But Griffin was thankful that the Major found something admirable in her. He verbally abused her as much as he did the others, even hinting at her being a 'slut', but he was much easier on her. And thankfully he had never raised a hand at her.   
Jill used to be just as fooled by their father as everyone else. She thought he was the strongest, smartest, best dad that ever lived. Then she had seen how he treated Griffin, when he didn't know she was within earshot. She saw the mask removed, and could never go back to the innocent days of childhood. Griffin sometimes wished she still believed in the 'family man' idea. Things could be different for her if she wasn't so aware of her position in life.   
He looked at the clock again, frowning. The Major might like her better, but if he heard her sneaking in the house this early in the morning, he knew he'd lose his temper and there was no telling what he'd do to her. But that wasn't what was worrying him so much. After all, he was awake and would make sure she got home safe and sound and protect her if their father *did* happen to hear.   
He heard a faint noise and peered out his window, looking for a sign of her. All he saw was the neighbor's dog rattling its chain. He frowned, turning over in bed. He'd recognized the guy she was with at the bar. He'd met him at frat party a couple of months earlier and knew the guy was a total jerk and only out for one thing. And he knew Jill would be easily conquered, but even that wasn't what bothered him so much. He wasn't annoyed, or agitated, he was . . . *scared*. He didn't know why, but he felt like something different was going on with her out there wherever she was. For whatever reason, he knew she was upset, or hurt, or .... God, where was she?!  
  
**********  
  
Griffin slowly opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling. The room was bright, the sunlight flooding in through the open window. He started the pull the pillow over his head when he suddenly remembered Jill. He jumped up, seeing it was almost noon.  
He went down the hallway, entering her room and sighing deeply when he saw her in bed. She squinted toward the door, obviously being wakened by him. She turned over, mumbling into the pillow.  
Griffin crossed the room, yanking the pillow from her, "What?"  
Jill glared at him, "I said good morning to you, too. Now will you go away?"  
"Where the hell were you last night, Jill?"  
"Are you serious?" She looked up at him incredulously. She saw the look on his face, answering her question. "I told you last night that I was on a date. Besides, you left before I did!"   
Griffin heard the anger in her voice. "So?"  
Jill raised her arm up in defeat, "Nevermind. Just lemme sleep, ok?"  
"No. Why are you acting as if you're pissed at *me*? I was the one up all night freaking about where you were!"  
She laughed without humor, "I just find it ironic that you and everyone else can find fault in my actions, when you are doing exactly the same things." She stared at him for a moment, then flipped over and giving him her back.  
Griffin stood silently. He didn't know what to say to that. She was right. She was totally right and he had been cursing himself all night, hadn't he? He frowned, knowing he had totally blown any chance of making a difference in her life. He used to be the only one who could make her understand things, make her see the other side of issues. But now he was just another hypocritical jerk.  
Jill glanced back at him, "Are you going to leave, or what?"  
He shook his head, crossing her room and sitting on the bed next to her. "I'm sorry."  
"Great, thanks. Now, go away."  
"I'm serious!"  
She looked up at him, seeing the sadness in his eyes, "Look, I'm just in a bad mood, ok? I don't mean to take it out on you."  
Griffin appeared to have not heard her. He was staring down at the sheet, his eyes hazy. "I was really awful last night. I mean .... terrible. I was a terrible person last night."  
Jill started to knock him off the bed, to get him to shut up, but she wasn't even sure if he knew he was speaking aloud. She didn't know if he was talking to her, or just talking. "Griffin?"  
He looked up at her, "I'm sorry. I kept think about you last night and--"  
Jill shook her head, an anger rising up from some deep recess within her, "Don't even go there, Griffin! So you slept with some chick just for sex. Fine. Great. Good for you! But don't you start feeling sorry for me and comparing me to that girl."  
"I wasn't, exactly. I just hate that I could treat a girl like that and if I was her brother, I'd want to hurt me."  
"Look, you just slept with her. It's not like you forced her or anything. That's what she wanted, Griffin."  
"But I wonder if she is trying to hide something wrong in her life."  
Jill sighed deeply, "Oh, so that's the angle were coming from? You think I'm miserable in my life so I have to sleep with a bunch of guys to feel needed or something? Look, I'm happy in my life. I feel loved and needed all the time. I simply date a lot of guys because I *like* it! What is so wrong with that?"  
Griffin shook his head, whispering, "Nothing." He walked to her door, "Sorry I woke you."  
Jill waved her dismissal, pulling the pillow over her head.   
Griffin saw his jacket on her rocking chair and grabbed it. If he didn't get it back now, she'd steal it for good. He went back into his room, switching the stereo on as he passed, and dropped down on the bed in frustration.  
He was now positive that he had lost Jill. She had been disappearing from him for several months, but it was getting worse. They used to be able to talk about anything and everything. He was the only one who'd ever seen the real Jill. But now she was hiding from him . . . and maybe even herself.   
  
********************  
  
Wyatt looked at the dashboard, grunting at the late hour. He turned toward Griffin, "What in the hell is she doing in there? How long does it take to throw some jeans on and grab a jacket?"  
Griffin laughed, "Yeah, whatever. You know she's in there trying to decide between, like, twelve different outfits. Remember, I have a sister!"  
"Shit!" Wyatt threw his cigarette on the ground as he opened the car door, "I'll be back. I'm going to hurry her up before we miss the concert."  
Griffin watched Wyatt disappear into Lisa's house and rolled the window down, trying to alleviate some of the smoke in the car. He watched as he saw Wyatt pulling Lisa across her bedroom, apparently begging for her to hurry. Then he watched as they started kissing, playfully.   
Griffin couldn't help but smile as he watched them. He had never even seen them *really* fight before. They didn't have to be with one another 24 hours a day. They had their own friends and own lives, and he really respected how they were so close to each other, yet were serious on letting the other have their space. It was the trust they placed in each other that he really envied. If only to have a relationship like that!  
He saw her hugging him and pulling him across the room, away from the window. It would have been a good thing if she was heading in the direction of the door, but she wasn't. Griffin laughed, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets and leaning back into the seat. He knew it could be awhile before they'd be outside.   
He turned the radio up louder, closing his eyes and getting lost in the timeless sounds of Black Sabbath, until he felt something in his pocket. He pulled it out, trying to see in the dim light offered by the dashboard. But he didn't need light to know what he was holding in his hand. He knew exactly what it was . . . and how it had gotten there.  
  
*****************************  
  
  
Jill was sitting on the floor, between two friends, sharing a cigarette and a bottle of Jim Beam when she saw Griffin weaving in and out of the crowd. She finally caught his gaze and smiled, waving him over. "Hey! I didn't know you were friends with Tommy!" She giggled at her own semi-slurred voice. "Wow, that stuff is stout." She giggled again.  
Griffin pulled her up off the floor. "Come on, Jill, we're leaving."   
"What?! Why?" She pulled from his grip, annoyed.  
Griffin looked around, grabbing her arm again as he leaned in closer, whispering forcefully, "Not here. I don't want to do this here. Just do what I say and lets get out of here. Now."  
She had never seen her brother so angry. It was a scary kind of anger. It was a controlled anger, a calm, dangerous anger. She knew whatever was bothering him, he had been contemplating about for awhile.   
"Come on." Griffin prodded, walking her though the crowd. She didn't have the nerve to challenge him and followed in silence.  
  
  
***********************  
  
Jill stared at her silent brother. He hadn't said a word to her since they'd gotten into the car and they were almost home, already, "What's wrong, Griffin?!" He ignored her remaining silent. "I swear I'm going to grab that God damned steering wheel if you don't talk to me, now!"  
Griffin lost his restraint and slammed the car into park. He turned to her, "Do you really care what is wrong with me, Jill? Do you really care what's wrong with you, for that matter? Do you care about *anything*?"  
"What are you--"  
"Do you care about your life?"  
"Yes!"  
"I don't think you do." He turned away, looking out the window.  
She reached for him, "God, Griffin, what did I do?"  
She felt him instinctually pull from her, whispering, "Don't touch me. Just ... don't."   
"Griffin? Why are you so mad at me?" She struggled to keep the tears away. She never gave anyone the satisfaction of knowing how badly they have hurt her. She could be miserable, but she didn't have to be without her pride. Watching Griffin, however, she realized that he was the only person she really loved in the whole world. The one person she never wanted to disappoint. He was the only person that it DID matter what he thought of her.   
He reached into his jacket and threw something in her lap. She looked at it, her heart dropping into her stomach. She looked back up at him, seeing the most sickened expression she'd ever seen. She swallowed hard, "Grif--"  
"What the hell are you doing with that?" She started to shake her head, "And don't tell me it's not yours, Jill! You're the only other one who wears this jacket and *I* sure as hell didn't buy that."  
She shrugged, "Someone handed it to me at a party. Look, I didn't even use any!"  
"It's bad enough that you're staying out days at a time and are drunk more than you're sober lately. On top of all that you're using coke. And NOW you're going to lie to me about it, too?!"  
"Ok, I've taken a few hits from time to time. Nothing major. It's just coke."  
"Just coke?" He shook his head, looking away from her again.   
"Come on, everyone experiments. God, lighten up! It's not like I need to be carted off to the Betty Ford clinic!"  
"I'm not going to lighten up when you are gambling with your life, here, Jill! Why are you? Why do you have that little love for yourself? For me?"  
"You know I love you. What are you trying to accuse me of? God, not everything is about you!"  
"I know that. I'm sorry, I just ... its always been you and me, Jill. We've always been there to pull each other through all the shit life throws at us. Hell, we haven't had the easiest life, you know? But no matter what happened I always knew you'd be there. You've always been there for me. Everytime I get lost, I look up and there you are. Don't you see that? Don't you see being so reckless affects not just you? What would *I* do without you?"  
"You don't have to know the answer to that. I'm not going anywhere, Griffin." She reached for him, hugging him tightly. "I swear, I'm not going anywhere. And I know that, because everytime I get lost, you find me. I know I'm safe *because* of you. You're right, it is us against the world." She smiled, "We make a good team."  
"Jill, this isn't the way to fight life. Escaping with drugs isn't going to make it better."   
"Come on, Griff, who enjoys living more than me? Seriously? No one! I'm high on life, that's all!"  
"Then throw that shit out the window."  
"Oh, com--"  
"If you aren't going to use it, then you can get rid of it, Jill. Throw it."  
She stared at him for a moment, then smiled, "Ok." She rolled the window down, and tossed the bag onto the ground.  
Griffin got out of the car and then pulled her out. He picked up the small bag and handed it back to her. "Throw it in there," he motioned toward the storm drain. That way she wouldn't be out there in an hour retrieving the drugs, and more importantly, no children would find it.  
She took it from him shaking her head as she threw it down the drain, "You really are turning into a father, you know that?"  
He threw his arm around her shoulder, "Nope. I'm just a big brother."   
"Yeah, whatever..."   
"Let's go home, Jill." He opened the car door for her, shoving her in playfully. As he walked around to his side, he silently thanked God for letting her still listen to him -- even if it was just for show. He knew he had his work cut out for him, keeping an eye on her from now on. But all he had was hope and hard work to keep him going.  
  
*********************  
  
"I don't wanna to leave, again, Griffin." Belinda squeezed his hand, placing a kiss on it. "I thought coming back and saying good-bye the right way would make it easier."   
Griffin smiled and shook his head. "How is leaving someone ever easy?"  
"Do you forgive me? I've been so awful to you."   
"All I care about right now, is that you are here -- with me."  
He smiled at her as they laid in the grass, holding onto each other as if the world was about to end. She'd just shown up after leaving without any good-byes. He wanted to hate her. He really wanted to hate her. But he couldn't.  
Looking into her eyes he wanted to tell her that he'd been about as bad as a man could be the past few months. Without her, he'd learned a lot about life and love and wasn't so sure he liked the real Griffin. Especially when it came to women and sex.   
"What's wrong, baby?" Belinda kissed his hand again. "You look worse than when I first showed up."  
"I've just missed you, that's all."  
Belinda giggled, attempting a joke, "Nah, you just missed sex!"  
Griffin pulled from her and sat up.   
"I was just kidding, Griffin. I know you're not like that." She sat up, rubbing his back. "I'm sorry, I was just kidding."  
"I didn't miss sex. I've had plenty of it, since you left. I've had more than enough, and I don't know if I want any more of it." He spat the words, grabbing his jeans and standing up to dress.  
Belinda grabbed his hands, stopping him and pulling him down beside her again. "Griffin, what's wrong? Tell me!"  
"Nothing. Forget it, nothing's wrong."  
"You seem to like sex with me." She lifted his chin, and prodded, "Don't you?"  
Griffin pouted for a moment, not wanting to answer. Instead, he wanted to go back in time about a year, starting over from day one. Maybe he would never have spoken to Belinda. Maybe he would have told her to mind her own business and leave him alone. Maybe he would have refused to sleep with her that night. Or maybe he would have made her admit how much she loved him and deny her to leave him.   
Maybe he would have told her that he was in love with her from the moment she touched him. Maybe if he had told her that he was in love with her from the beginning she would never have felt the need to leave. Maybe if she'd known that he loved her while she loved him, it would have made a difference. Maybe she would have felt enough for him to stay. Maybe ....   
"Griffin?" Belinda tenderly caressed his cheek and pulled him closer to her, "Why do you always look so sad, huh?"   
He melted into her, wanting that comfort, loving that warmth and tenderness. He loved that for the first time in months, he knew he was a good person when with her and that he wasn't being used and using someone in the process.   
But feeling that comfort only scared him more, knowing he could never have it for real. He pushed her back, "I'm not ... good to women. I'm just not."   
"What? What are you talking about?"   
"I'm like the creeps that screw my sister and never speak to her again."  
"Are you kidding me?! Griffin, you are by far the most sensitive lover I've ever had! You don't treat women badly."  
"You."  
"What?"  
"I don't treat *you* badly. But ... it's not good with others."  
Belinda smiled at him, "That's because we care about each other. It's not bad to have just sex, but we have a lot more." She saw him look away and lowered her voice, "I mean, don't you think so?"  
"I don't know." He whispered, shaking his head. "I don't know."  
Belinda took his hand and laid back down, making him follow. "Come here," She cradled him against her chest, gently stroking his hair, "Did you think making love just now was terrible?"   
He shook his head.  
"Did you think it good? Better than your last few times?"  
He nodded.  
"Didn't you think you were good with me? And that I was good with you?" She smiled as he nodded again. "Then that's the difference. You are not a bad guy at all, Griffin! Maybe you were with the wrong girls."  
He looked at her, starting to smile, "I was with sluts."   
"Well, there's always that." She giggled at his expression. "You are just fine. All you need is non-sluts, ok?"   
  
  
*****************************************  
  
Griffin bounded up the stairs, hearing Jill's stereo blaring. He pounded on her door, but she never answered. He slowly opened the door. She was laying on her stomach, her feet in the air behind her, waving to the blaring music. She saw the movement and looked up at him, clumsily knocking her notebook off the bed and laughing, "Griff! When .. when did you get home?"   
He looked around her room, searching for something, though he wasn't sure what. "Just now. What are you doing in here?"  
She sat up, hugging her legs to her chest, "Oh, you know, trying to do homework, but I'm just too wired."  
"Really?"   
He wasn't sure if she noted his worried tone. But she smiled, "Too much coffee!! That's what I get for working at a coffee shop, I guess! Good thing I don't work at a liquor store or donut shop, eh?"   
Griffin crossed the room, sitting down beside her. There was still something making him uneasy, but he wasn't sure if he was just imagining things. He couldn't smell any liquor on her and realized he was being over-analytical. Sometimes when she got too stressed she acted strangely, which she'd always done. But, she didn't exactly look stressed, she looked relaxed. A little too relaxed, maybe.  
She pulled him onto the bed to sit instead of standing above her examining the room for any shady clues. She ran her hand to his neck, prodding him playfully, "Hey, where'd ya get that love bite, huh?" Her hands were ice cold and he flinched from the touch. "Who you been playin' with, big brother?"  
Griffin had to laugh at her tone, "Belinda."  
Jill's smile froze and she glared at him. "The bitch is back?"  
"She's not a bitch."  
"Tell that to the other guys who hearts she's broken."  
"I was coming in here to tell you about her. I'm happy she came back!"  
"Why? Isn't you life complicated enough, Griffin?"  
"I come in here to share good news with you and you totally attack her? Since when have I ever done that with your loser boyfriends?"  
"I never feel in love with any of my loser boyfriends."  
"Whatever," he crossed the room, slamming the door on his way out.  
  
  
************************  
  
  
"Griffin? Wake up, Griff!" Jill was straddling him, pinching his leg through the sheets, smiling broadly at him when he jumped at the pain, "Wake up, you freak!"   
"Get off me." Griffin grunted, turning over and knocking her off.   
"I gotta tell you something." She laid behind him, pulling on the short hairs of his sideburns.  
"Stop!"   
"Not gonna talk to me?"  
"Why should I?"  
"Because I'm your best friend in the whole world and whenever I need to talk you're supposed to listen?"  
Griffin turned over, "What? What does JILL wanna talk about? My loser girlfriends?"  
"Actually, yeah."   
"Great!"  
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry!"  
"For what?"  
"For being a bitch. I'm glad you got to see Belinda again. Really, I am. I just ... I worry about you, and I don't like people using and hurting you."   
"I don't like to see people using or hurting you, either."  
She smiled at him, "So, are you seeing her again tomorrow?"  
He bit his bottom lip, slowly replying, "No, she left again."   
"What?!" Griffin started laughing, and soon she joined him. "You sure know how to pick 'em, don't ya, Griff?"  
"Well, least I got the chance to say bye to her."  
Jill heard his sad tone and moved closer to him, laying her head against his chest like she used to as a little girl, "Do you love her?"  
Griffin nodded, smiling faintly, "Yeah. Yeah, I do."  
Jill yawned, shaking her head. "Love is suicide. I don't believe in love."  
"You've got to Jilly-bean. You've got to."   
Jill smiled at him using her childhood nickname and hugged him tighter, falling asleep in safe quarters.  
  
  
************************  
  
"Your sister is crazy, you know that?" Mrs. Holbrook hurried to clean the livingroom before her husband got home. The little kids had totally destroyed it a matter of moments.   
Griffin grabbed a load of toys, trying to help her. "What's she done, now?"  
She laughed, "Nothing. Just remember how adamant she was about being in the choir at school, because "only geeks were in choir"? Well, she's decided they are pretty cool, since they are going on a trip to New York."  
"This year?"  
"In a few weeks! I'd give anything for her to do something like that. Those kids in choir are good kids, aren't they? I mean, less trouble makers?"  
"I dunno, I guess."   
"Have you noticed her strange behavior lately? You think she's in any trouble? You think she's passing in school? Think she's got--"  
Griffin forced a laugh, "Come on, Mom! Do you think I follow her around or something? I think she's doing fine. She's just like the rest of us, dying for our lives to take off."  
"Yeah, you're probably right. I've just been working so much lately I never get to talk to her like I used to. She seems withdrawn to me, but I guess it's because she resents me. And still ...." she trailed off, looking away from Griffin and hurrying into the kitchen. "Thanks for helping clean, baby."   
Griffin followed her into the kitchen, watching her scurrying around trying to find something for dinner. He hated watching her always working like mad to be a few steps ahead of their father, when she had a much more stressful job. "I already cooked some dinner, Mom. It's in the fridge."  
She looked in the refrigerator, her face beaming with relief. "Oh, thank you! I didn't think I'd get it done in time, tonight."  
"Sit down."   
"Just for a second, I have to get Jamie's cloth---"  
"Mom!" Griffin laughed, forcing her into a chair. "Sit, dammit!" He sat across from her, "What were you going to say earlier about Jill? And still, what?"  
"Oh, I don't know. It's just ... I think Jill resents me for never being home because I'm always working and I still can't afford for her to go on that trip. If I had a few months, yeah, but I can't pull that money together in a few weeks."  
Griffin hated the sadness on her face. He knew damn well his father had money stashed somewhere, but he would never offer it for Jill to go to New York. She might get away, then. "Maybe she *can* go, Mom."  
"How? She doesn't have any savings. I've been telling her for ages to save money from work, but she never does. Besides, she shouldn't have to pay for her own school stuff. That's supposed to be the parent's job."  
Griffin didn't really want her going to New York. He knew her enough to know she'd ditch the school group the minute they left the airport and would sneak back in at the last minute. He knew she would be out partying the whole week. It was a scary thought after the way she had been acting lately.   
But at the same time, maybe she needed to get away for a small break, and then she'd be ok. Maybe her demand for fast times and dangerous fun was all in a plea for some space from everyone. Maybe she'd learn to smile again.  
"I've got some cash put away, Mom. When does she need to have it?"  
  
**********************  
  
Jill hung up the phone, frowning. Belinda, again. Belinda had called Griffin three times that week and he was never home. She wished she could just 'forget' to tell him, but she knew she couldn't do that. Seeing the way his eyes sparkled at the mention of her very name was more than enough reason for telling him.  
She missed him the last few days, as he was never home and when he finally would come home he'd fall into bed and be asleep before his head hit the pillow. She'd sometimes watch him sleeping, smiling at the way he'd never, even in his sleep, let his small pillow fall off the bed. She had a matching one, and so did the rest of the kids. Their mother made each new addition to the family one, crocheting their initials across the satin.   
She loved how he was the only one who seemed to really care about the pillow. She'd lost her a dozen times. William had spilled grape juice all over his. Steven had given his to his "girlfriend" in kindercare. Kyler had left his in a hotel room at Disney World and Jamie had caught his on fire, once! A time she was sure he'd never forget. Yet, Griffin - the oldest of all the kids - had a pillow that still looked brand new.   
She knew he took appreciation in things that people made. He'd value a crocheted pillow, more than he'd value a Harley, if it was given to him by the right person. She loved that about him the most. He even had a wall in his room where Kyler's drawings were always showcased. He knew when someone sat down intending to pour their heart out and create something for someone they loved, it was something to be cherished. Cherished more than gold.  
And watching how he would always catch the pillow from falling, at the last minute, made it all so clear. He just *knew* it was there and looked out for it. Kind of like he did with her. She wondered if he knew she was there watching him sleep? What he was dreaming of? What would be the first thing on his mind when he woke up?   
She shook her head at her silly thoughts, realizing she was totally losing her mind. He was probably unaware she was there or he'd tell her to get out and let him sleep. He wasn't dreaming of anything, he seemed too dead-tired lately to have much of a dream life. And the first thing he'd think of in the morning was probably that he had to pee. She laughed at her thoughts and crept across his room, quietly, leaving Belinda's message on his desk as she left.  
  
  
***************************  
  
"Where the hell have you been, man?" Wyatt and Lee walked into the bike shop where Griffin worked. "We've been looking for you all weekend!"  
Griffin smiled, "I've been here."   
"What for?" Lee questioned, finding it totally unethical to work on the weekend.  
"I needed overtime."   
"You need some cash?" Wyatt eyed him, "You could have asked me. I don't have any to give you, but you should have asked me, anyway. I'm your friend!"  
Griffin laughed and slapped him on the back, "I know, man. Thanks."  
"So what else have you been up to?" Lee ruffled through some magazines on the counter. "You seen that little number around? What was her name?"   
Wyatt answered, "Darlene."  
Griffin laughed, "No!"  
Lee scrunched his face up in confusion, "Why not? I heard she liked you ... like, a lot!"   
"Shut the hell up, Lee." Wyatt advanced on Griffin, "Need some help?"  
  
  
*************************  
  
  
"Why are you so nervous?" Belinda squeezed Griffin's hand as they sat at the airport, waiting for Jill's plane to get in.   
"I dunno. Do I look nervous?"  
"Yeah, you do." She studied his eyes, seeing how stormy they were. "Thank you for asking me to come with you." He looked up at her, unsure what she meant. She smiled gently, "I don't know why, but I know there's a reason for it."   
"Thank you for agreeing to."  
"You know what I love about being your friend? You're always thankful for anything. I mean, just watching you sometimes, you seem so grateful for everything given to you. Even if its just someone to watch your favorite movie with, or to share a sunset with."  
"Oh, you're good!!" He laughed, shaking his head. "Ok, I'm nervous because Jill's been really unhappy lately and I'm hoping she found some sort of peace by getting away for awhile."  
Belinda laid her head on his shoulder, "I wasn't asking for explanations. I was just letting you know why I love you so much."  
"You love me?"  
She sighed, "Yeah..."  
"Well, don't sound so happy about it!" He giggled, shrugging his shoulder and nudging her.  
"Hey?" She nudged him back, motioning toward the window as Jill's plane taxied to the terminal. She looked back at Griffin, seeing that nervousness crossing in his eyes again. "You know, even if she didn't find what she was looking for in New York, there's always time."   
"Yeah ..."   
They stood in silence, waiting as passengers filed off the plane, slower than ever, it seemed. Finally Griffin spotted her, "She cut her hair."   
"Hey!" Jill ran up to them, "Sorry, I'm so late. Stupid planes were delayed, and.. well I guess you already knew that, huh?" She dropped her bag on the floor, "So, is this ... Belinda?"  
Griffin nodded, watching the two women sizing each other up. They finally smiled and shook hands. "You cut your hair!" Griffin flipped it playfully, "Looks good!"  
"It's this fashion thing in NYC. I was hanging out with a friend, who does some modeling there and she totally talked me into cutting it. I guess it's the latest style in the city."  
"Yes, as they say, long hair is out!" Belinda smiled, twirling her long locks with her finger.  
"I guess." Jill looked at her bag, "Erica, my friend, is going to be home in a few days. I told her we'd pick her up when she gets in." She looked to Griffin for approval. "Her parents aren't home, right now. We could do that, right? Pick her up?"   
Griffin nodded, "Sure." He watched her, noticing how edgy and fidgety she was. "Come on, let's get outta here."  
Back in the car, it was a deafening silence. Griffin knew Jill hated Belinda for hurting him, and Belinda resented Jill for making him worry. And at the moment he resented them both for making him feel so damned uncomfortable.   
Finally Jill leaned up closer to them, breaking the silence, "So, Belinda, did you move back here?"  
"No. I go to school upstate."  
"Then, what exactly are you doing here?"  
Belinda blinked quickly, stalling to find the answer she wanted.   
Griffin looked at Jill, totally surprised. "She came because I asked her to."  
"You know, Erica says she remembers you from school, Griff." She paused, then added, "She said you would remember her, too."  
"I don't know any Erica."  
"You met her at a party last year. You'll remember her when you see her. She's not a face you'd forget, exactly." She directed her gaze to Belinda, as if waiting to see her reaction while speaking to Griffin, "She's signed with the Ford Agency, you know."   
Griffin looked in the review mirror, glaring at her. What was she trying to accomplish? Thinking making Belinda jealous would solve anything? Was she trying to help him out with Belinda, or kill whatever could be left?   
Belinda patted Griffin's leg in consolation and looked out the window. She watched the city pass by while they sat silent and uncomfortable, trapped in the small confinement, and praying for patience to deal with each other.   
  
********************************  
  
Griffin stared at the wall, studying the shadows. He realized that he'd been staring at walls a lot, lately. And it always had something to do with Jill. He sighed in the silent room, wondering why nothing ever went smoothly with them. Why were they always being tested on something?  
He was more angry at himself than he was Jill at the moment. She had been behaving like a brat all night, but it was his fault he let her get away with it. Instead of telling her to mind her own business and defending Belinda, he had just remained silent.   
He dropped Jill home first, wanting the four hour drive alone with Belinda. He liked being alone with her and was shamefully happy when Jill was gone. But as they drove in silence, he knew it was going to be a much longer drive than he had hoped.   
In the silence ensuing the small space he was drawn back to thoughts of Jill and what he was going to do with her. She was out of line in so many ways, lately. The worst of it was the hidden sides of her fall from grace. The part he knew nothing about, yet.   
Belinda finally turned to him, offering a careful smile, "Don't be embarrassed. She's just trying to protect you. I think it's sweet."  
"She's being judgmental about something she knows nothing about," He replied before thinking, angrier than he had realized.   
"I think she knows exactly what she's talking about."  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
"Come on, Griffin." She smiled apologetically, "I love hanging out with you. I love being with you and seeing you--"  
"But?"  
"There's no 'but'. I DO love your company."   
"There's got to be a 'but', or you wouldn't be looking at me like that."  
"Understand me when I say there is no 'but', in how I feel about you. I adore you, you know that. We just keep trying to ignore the inevitable, the obvious. Jill can see it. Maybe that's what she is trying to make us see."  
He forced a laugh, "Don't base anything on Jill. Jill wasn't here tonight. That person you met was not my sister. That was her junkie double."  
"What?"  
"She was stoned. She's like that when she's on something. She's jumpy and quick to judge and does everything she can to keep the focus off of her. She likes to cause problems, so that we're all too busy trying to fix our own lives that we don't notice hers spinning out of control. That's her way."  
"I'm sorry. I didn't realiz--"   
"I love how she can cause waves then run off to her own little corner, while I'm left to always clean up her messes."  
"I don't think she means to cause trouble, Griffin. If what you say is true, she needs help, not anger and judgment." She saw his quick glare in her direction and knew she had overstepped her bounds, "I'm sorry. It's totally none of my business."  
"I'm trying to help her, Belinda. I'm trying as much as I know how."  
She hated the despair in his voice and slid across the seat, cuddling up next to him, "I know. I know you are, baby. She really is very lucky to have you. And so am I."   
Griffin would normally wrap his free arm around her shoulder, pulling her as deeply into him as he could and *try* to pay attention to the road. However, this time, he merely ignored her. When she tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, he finally turned to her, annoyed, "I thought you just basically broke up with me for, like, the third time."  
"Gimme a break, ok, Griffin? I'm just trying to keep it all together, same as you."  
"Yeah.." He looked back at the road, trying not to notice her pulling back from him and moving back to her side of the car and pouting.   
As he pulled up to her apartment, she reached for his hand, "I'm sorry. It's been a really rough couple of months, I know. I didn't mean to add onto it. I never meant to hurt you."   
"You didn't."  
She smiled, "Let's go inside and get some coffee to warm up, ok?"  
"I can't. I gotta get home."  
She studied him for a moment, then looked down at his hand clutched within hers, "I thought you were going to stay here, tonight."  
"I can't. I have to get back and deal with Jill."  
"She'll be there in the morning. It's a long drive. It's late. Please stay." She looked for the Griffin that she knew somewhere behind those eyes, but all she saw was a stranger full of disappointment. She whispered, asking more of him than she realized, "Griffin?"  
He looked away and stared at the steering wheel, "I'm sorry."  
She squeezed his hand one last time and kissed his cheek. "Thanks for everything." She stared at him as she backed away and opened the door, hoping he would look up at her any minute, where she'd see the old Griffin. But he didn't.   
She got out of the car, then turned back to him, her voice thick with emotion, yet strong, "You should meet that Erica girl, Griffin. She might make it better for you."   
Hours later, as he studied the shadows crossing his bedroom wall, he could still hear her voice. He could still see her walking up the front steps and disappearing into her apartment. She closed the door without looking back at him and for some reason that was even more painful than the way she spoke.   
He couldn't blame her for anything, of course. He had been a jerk. But he was letting her off easy. Make her mad, let her cut off all communication, then it wouldn't be so hard on her. He couldn't take care of his own life, much less drag someone else into that hell with him. She was better off on her own. She had never needed him, anyway. It was he who needed her. But he had been trying to ignore the real world by submerging himself into fake love and rushed sex, and it wasn't working. He was all to aware of what was wrong with his life and he had to let go of Belinda, or anyone else, and face it on his own.  
Alone. He was always alone.   
He jumped at a knock on his door. Jill staggered in and fell on the bed beside him. "Man, it's late, huh?"  
"Where have you been?" Griffin sat up, glaring at her.   
She saw his expression and stood up, "Nevermind, I see you are in one of your moods. I'm going to bed."   
She started for the door before he stopped her. He slammed the door shut, blocking her in. "I'm in a mood? That's nice, Jill. That's a nice way of putting it."  
"What the hell is your problem?"  
"What *isn't* my problem, is more the question."  
Jill seemed to not hear him. Whatever she was on was doing the job she wanted of keeping her careless and undaunting. She snapped her fingers, "Oh shit, I forgot to tell you. I ... I kinda lost your jacket."  
"You what?"   
"I lost it in New York. I'm sorry, I don't know wh--"  
"God dammit, Jill!"  
"Shh! Don't wake Dad up. We'll both be in trouble."  
"Why do you always screw up everybody else's life? You never seem to have any problems in your own little world, but you constantly destroy everyone else's. Have you ever noticed that?"  
"It was an accident. Don't freak out, ok? I'll get you another one, Gr--"  
"God, you think everything is replaceable! You lose a jacket, just buy another one. Lose a lover, just get a new one. Destroy your body --"  
"What is your problem?!"  
"It's not the damn jacket, Jill. It's WHY you lost it!"  
"It was an accident, like I said."  
"No, it was because you were ripped out of your mind and forgot it somewhere. Or loaned it to someone, then forgot who." He frowned, angry with worry, "Or sold it to someone for cash to buy more drugs with."   
She stared at him, her surprised eyes digging deep into him. She pushed past him, "Thanks for believing in me, Griffin." She closed the door quietly.   
He heard her sobbing as she walked down the hall and into her own bedroom. He ran his hands over his face, falling back to the bed. His heart was breaking more with each day of his life. He had thought he'd hit bottom a month earlier, and here he was, worse off. What would tomorrow be like?  
He walked across the room and sat down on the floor against the wall he shared with Jill. He placed his palm on the wall, staring at it. She was on the other side, just feet from him, but she seemed so far away. So untouchable. So . . . gone.   
He wiped a tear away, wondering if being so hard on her was the answer. God, he needed help! He didn't know what he was doing. But there was no one else to help. She was all he had. And he had just destroyed her.   
  
  
*******************  
  
Griffin woke the next morning, feeling an unexplained dread. Usually he'd open his eyes finding something unique with each sunrise. But that morning as he laid still in bed, trying to find something admirable in the morning, he suddenly remembered the night before. He dreaded facing Jill, sure that he couldn't stand to see the hurt in her eyes. He couldn't keep watching her kill herself and do nothing about it, but it was killing him being the one to hurt her.  
The Major stormed into his room, "Get up, you're late."  
Griffin glanced at the clock, "I'm not late."  
"Your sister has been ready for 20 minutes and she needs a ride to school if you've forgotten." He turned to leave, and kicked a pile of clothes on the floor. "And clean up this room. It's disgusting."  
"Dad?"  
"What?"   
"I'm sick. I don't think I can go in today."  
"This would be the first time you've given any thought to anything in some time."   
Griffin silently begged for patience, "Dad, come on."   
"Get up and go to school. You don't look sick to me." He slammed the door shut as he left.  
Griffin drug himself out of bed and entered the kitchen ten minutes later.  
"Are you hungry?" Jill asked, smiling at him as she looked up from her plate.   
He was afraid he was still asleep and dreaming, knowing that couldn't be the Jill he had attacked the night before.   
"Is that a no?" Jill laughed at him, "You don't look very good. Are you sick?" She crossed the room and ran her hand to his forehead.   
He shrugged her off, "I'm fine."   
"Ok, if you say so." She replied, turning and grabbing her book bag and jacket off the table, "Let's go then!"   
  
**********************  
  
Jill flipped the radio station every few seconds, grunting at the lack of music and finally throwing herself back against the seat on a huff, "God, why doesn't dad get a real car? Ya know, like, one that's from this century?"  
"The car is fine, the radio is not." Griffin studied her for a moment, wondering when she was going to bring up their fight the night before.   
She smiled up at him, "What? Why do you keep looking at me like that?"   
"I'm not."   
"Are you sure you're not sick?"  
"I'm fine."  
"Did you eat some magic brownies, or something?"   
He laughed, despite himself. She was acting goofy and playful, which he hadn't expected. He was scared to death he had lost his sister the night before, and yet she was there by his side, as per usual.   
They pulled into the parking lot and Jill reached for the door.   
Griffin touched her arm, "Jill?"  
"What?"   
"I .. I just wanted to apologize for last night. I was mad at Belinda and I let it --"  
"What are you talking about?" Jill shook her head, dismissing his apology and jumped out of the car.  
Griffin watched her disappear into the crowd, wondering what her game plan was this time. Was she pretending to not remember? Was she just wasted enough at the time that she couldn't remember? Or was she in her own way saying she forgave him?   
She stopped at the doors, talking to a guy Griffin didn't know. She looking back at him, tossing him a carefree smile and walking off, hand in hand, with the stranger.   
  
**************************  
  
Griffin tapped his feet to the music on his walkman. He hated being anywhere without his music to keep him company, and sitting at the airport for hours waiting for a complete stranger, definitely fit the need for it!  
He watched the many travelers rushing to and from their departing gates, wondering what it would be like to just get on a plane and never come back. He got a strange grin at the thought and laughed, louder than he realized since he had his headphones on.  
He stopped laughing when a girl stopped as she walked by and looked strangely at him. He shoved the earphones off, "Sorry."   
The girl smiled, finding him charming for some reason. "What are you listening to?"  
Griffin almost stopped breathing when she flashed him that smile. She was beautiful in that overrated 'super model' kind of way. Only she was anything but "overrated" - she really *was* beautiful. She wasn't a super thin malnourished looking kind of girl that only altered photographs and buckets of make-up could transform into model material. She was bright, and shiny, and mysterious . . . she was beautiful in a way Griffin had never personally witnessed. He realized he hadn't answered her question and smiled shyly, "Oh, Nirvana." He saw her strange expression and explained, "I was laughing at something else, not the music."  
"Oh, I see." She smiled again, looking down at the floor then peering back at him with the darkest most mysterious eyes he'd ever seen.   
Griffin stared at her, longer than he should have, until he realized he was doing it. He looked away, trying to figure out what to say next. He started to offer her the seat next to him, but decided against it. It seemed too dorky.   
Finally she spoke, "You *are* Jill's brother, aren't you?"  
"Yeah. How do you know--"  
"I'm Erica. She said you were going to pick me up."  
"Oh!" He started shaking his head, feeling even more embarrassed than he was before. "I didn't --"  
"My plane got in earlier than scheduled. I just recognized you from the photo she had shown me."  
"OH!" He smiled, "Boy, I'm sure looking *too* stupid, today."  
"You don't look too stupid."   
They seemed to forget where they were again and stood there silently, until Griffin snapped out of it. "I'm sorry, all those drugs I did in the 60's must be haunting me!" He giggled, taking her suitcase from her.   
"You aren't going to steal that, are you?"  
"Nah. I don't look that good in Armani and go-go boots."  
"Hey!" She laughed at his expression, "So you obviously heard I model? I always get shit about that."  
"Why? with a face like yours I imagine it would be deciding between modeling or traffic conducting."  
Erica stopped and looked at him quizzically. He laughed, "You know, like stopping traffic?" She shook her head. "Nevermind, it was a lame joke. What I mean is that you are gorgeous. Modeling makes sense for you."  
She nodded, as if she had heard it a million times, "Thanks. You know, you could model, too. I noticed in that picture Jill gave me that you are very photogenic. More evident now that I've seen you in person."  
Griffin mocked, "What's that mean? I'm butt-ugly in person but ok in the picture?"  
"No!" Erica stammered until she saw that evil little grin of his, again, and realized she hadn't really offended him. "Stop that!"  
  
************************  
  
Jill hurried down the hallway, spotting Griffin at his locker. "Hey!" She pretended to slam the door while he was still halfway in the way. She loved watching that annoyed pout of his. "Sorry I didn't see you last night or this morning, but thanks for picking Erica up for me."  
"No problem." He smiled, thinking how much of a non-problem it really was. "So, where were you this morning? I was waiting for you."  
"Bailey picked me up. I meant to leave a note for you, but.. well, you know me!"  
"Who is this Bailey guy, anyway? I've never met him."  
Jill smiled inwardly at his protective tone, "You will. If you want to."  
"Is he the type I'm going to have to murder?"  
Jill laughed loudly at the question. Bailey was so not a hell's angel. "Oh, my gosh Griff, he's such a geek! I mean, he's hot and all, but he's *way* too goody-goody. I'm gonna have to make him loosen up!!"   
"He has no hope, does he?"  
She giggled, starting to walked backwards down the hall, "What time *did* you get home last night, anyway?" She winked at him as she turned around and walked off.  
  
*************************  
  
"So then this photographer tells me to lose the shirt! I was, like, I don't think so, creep! I mean, I need at LEAST another hundred bucks for that, you know?" Erica looked down at her pizza, picking at the crust. "So anyway, I finally left, but he was chasing me down the hall!"  
Griffin took a deep breath, "Really? Wow." He took a big gulp of his soda trying to revive himself. Sometimes Erica would go off on tangents and there was no getting her to shut up. He just had to pretend he was totally into it and nod a lot.  
"So, then he gives me his card and promises me an extra three if I come back."  
"You going to?"  
"This summer. I always go to New York for the summers for print work."  
"So lemme get this straight, you know the guys a creep. You know he is just wanting to get smut pictures of you and you're *still* going to do it?"  
"It will definitely be the most productive work I could do! I mean, showing more skin opens up so many doors, you know?"  
"Yeah, ever since I did that centerfold, I can't keep up with the jobs!" Griffin glanced at his watch not seeing Erica's amussed expression.   
"You're so cute!" She slid her uneaten food out of the way and reached for his hand. "Do I get to see this centerfold?"  
Griffin noticed her new tone and smiled, "Maybe....."  
"I'll show you mine if you show me yours." She giggled, running her leg to his under the table.   
"Just give me the time and place, babe." Griffin staed at her hotly, that familiar feeling gripping at him. With the others, he didn't feel that sexual, he just knew what was supposed to happen, and he wouldn't back out. But right then he felt that inner urge clamoring for satisfaction. He felt like he had with Belinda - ready and waiting!  
"Right now." Erica whispered, running her tongue over her perfect ruby lips, and gesturing toward the door. "I'm hungry." She smirked at his expression.   
They hurried from the resturant, giggling and kissing clumsily as they walked across the parking lot. Erica stopped at her car, letting Griffin pin her between it and himself, kissing her hungrily. She shifted her weight a little, trying to find the door handle and finally got it with a backhand grip. She pushed him away, opening the door.  
She looked around the parking lot seeing it was completely empty. That and the fact that she had darkly tinted windows, would always make her smile. She grinned at him and disappeared into the backseat. He looked off to the side, surveying the parking lot, himself. She startled him, grabbing his shirt and yanking him in behind her. He ducked at the last minute, barely clearing the roof and giggled at her impatience.   
She yanked him down to her, grunting as they ate at each others lips wildly, finally pausing long enough for her shirt to be unbuttoned. Griffin felt her holding her breath and looked up at her slowly, seeing her leaning against the window and staring at him. He felt his own breath stop as he took in the vision. She was definitely the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. She was plain perfection from the shiny blonde hair, to the strong bone structure of her face, to the curves of her breasts right on down to the silkiness of her long slender legs. Perfection. Absolute perfection!  
"What?" She whispered, running her hand through his hair, grunting at its softness.  
He blushed at how he must look staring at her, "I don't think I've ever seen anyone so ... perfect, before."  
"Only when air-brushed." She watched him looking back down to her chest, begging for his attention and sighed again, receiving the desired touch. She closed her eyes at the feeling, her hands still softly petting his hair. She sighed at the softness of his hair, and the softness of his mouth and hands.   
He wanted to undress her, inch by glorious inch, so he could soak in every detail of her. He wanted to know her as well as she knew herself, but knew that he couldn't at the moment, being in a parking lot! He resented that fact and stared at the sleeves of her shirt, mentally willing them off her shoulders so he could start the intense exploration, and pouted that it was not an option.  
She watched his face, wondering what he was thinking about, but not daring to ask. Too much talking made the moment disappear. She held his face, pulling him back to her and trailing his lips with her tongue then forcing his lips apart and sliding into his warmth. He grunted and she smiled, loving the sound. She teased his mouth, slowly exploring him, until he got impatient and swept his tongue to meet hers. She grunted this time, liking his kind of kissing.   
He soon pulled from her and trailed down her neck, making her breathe faster and more labored when he finally returned to her chest. She watched him, realizing how much she loved watching him as he loved her. There was something about his innocent eyes that made the moment feel more erotic than anything.  
He kissed the small space between her breasts, loving the feel of the warm, soft, masses of her flesh hugging his face. He regretfully pulled back and she started toward him, reaching for his jeans, but he stopped her. "Not yet," he whispered huskily, kissing her mouth again.   
"I want you, now." She argued, trying again to reach him.  
"Wait," he giggled at her impatience. "Be a good girl."  
"Me???" She laughed with him, though their laughter was not very strong, both of them literally aching for each other.  
Griffin looked back at her leg lifting it slightly and running his fingers up her soft skin. The word satin jumped into his mind again, as he fingered the smoothness. He leaned closer and softly kissed her knee, smiling as he detected the sweet scent of her lotion.   
"What are you doing?" Erica laughed at his expression, "Get up here!"  
"All in good time...." Griffin sang, flashing her a wicked smile.  
  
*****************  
  
Griffin laughed, finally finding some strength within himself and lifting above her. He ran his hand to her cheek, turning her face toward him. He kissed her gently and slowly. They had been too caught up in the physical and had actually only kissed very little. He had to make up for lost time.   
She kissed him back, then dropped her head to the seat, in exhaustion.  
"Wow," he giggled, "That was ........ good!"   
Erica smiled, but said nothing.  
"Wasn't it? I mean didn't you think that was good?"  
She lightly tapped him on the nose, "Well of course it was! What you take me for - an ameature?"   
"No, but ..." He trailed off, knowing there really wasn't a way to explain what he meant. He was very clearly *not* in love with her. He did, however, like her and enjoyed being with her and was just glad that sex could finally just be sex! His heart wasn't in it, but most guys didn't have to have the emotional attachment. He was sick and tired of being so different, and felt like his moments with Erica had taken him a step closer to being a normal guy.   
Erica kissed him, pulling him from his thoughts, "And I know you aren't an ameature!"   
"Nope! Not me." He sat up, lifting from her body and laughing in the moment, when looking to see how they were still dressed. The idiocy of the moment got to him and he laughed louder.  
"What is so funny?" Erica shot him an amused expression, as she buttoned her shirt.   
"I was just thinking how strange it is how our bodies can be so much stronger than our brains, sometimes."  
"What do you mean?"  
He smiled, "Nothing, Erica." He leaned toward her, pushing her against the window again and kissed her. He raised his hand up, dangling her panties in front of her, "Looking for these?"  
She kissed him quickly, then shoved him away so she could get dressed. "You always know where to find 'em!" she laughed, throwing him a teasing glance.   
  
******************  
  
Griffin snuck in the backdoor and quietly started across the kitchen. He heard soft thumping and stopped, then realized it was coming from Jill's room. He smiled, knowing she was dancing.   
He snuck up the stairs and threw her bedroom door open quickly. Jill screamed and fell on the floor. "Jesus Christ, Griffin!"  
"Sorry," he laughed, hardly faking his apology. "What's up?"  
"The entire neighborhood, now!" She climbed to her feet, socking him in the shoulder, "You jerk!"   
Suddenly the door flew open, scaring Griffin this time. "What's going on in here?!"   
Griffin and Jill looked at each other, trying not to laugh. Jill smiled, "Nothing, Mom. Griffin just scared me."   
"Well, your screaming scared me!"  
Griffin pouted, "Sorry, Mom."   
"It's ok ... just don't." She quieted her voice, "Not to mention, we don't want   
to wake your father. He's .... had a rough day."   
"Yeah, sure he has." Griffin mumbled.   
"Sorry, Mom" Jill started to cross the room to her, but stopped short for some reason. "We'll be quiet. Go back to bed."  
They watched her leave then looked at each other and started giggling. For one brief moment, it was as if they were once again four years old and being reprimanded for talking instead of sleeping. They remained silent, but in that one frozen moment of laughter, was something they both cherished. That silent bonding. They knew that's what life was about - their friendship, their closeness, their love and family ... and their laughter. They both vowed to make laughter a more frequent occurrence. They needed laughter again, more then than ever.   
Finally, Jill walked to her bed and dropped down with a loud sigh, "So where were you tonight?"  
"With Erica. And you? Have ya been hanging at a brewery?"  
"No, just a party." She threw a pillow at him.   
He sat on the floor by her bed, pulling at a bundle of laundry under her bed. "Geez, done your laundry lately?"  
She slapped his hand to get his attention, "You like her, huh?"   
"Yeah ..." he trailed off, yanking at a pair of her jeans. He knew what he saw, but he had to be sure.   
"Did you do her yet?" Jill laughed at her candor, "She's totally into you. She talks about you all the tim--"  
Griffin stood up, yanking her off the bed, "Jill?!"  
"What?" She grunted, annoyed at his harsh grip on her arm. She finally saw what he held in his hand and shook her head, "Its really not mine this time, Griffin! I told you I wasn't doing that shit any-- "  
"You're a liar."  
Jill yanked her arm from his grasp, "Look, you don't have a fucking clue, so why don't you take your Brando act somewhere else."   
"God, you've been lying to me all along, haven't you?"  
"No."  
"Is it this Bailey guy, then? Is he pressuring you or something?"  
Jill laughed at the suggestion, "Please, he's a God damned boy scout. He wouldn't rip the tag off a mattress."  
"Then help me understand here, Jill. You said you were stopping and you've been doing just as much - if not more, haven't you? You haven't slowed down *at all*, have you?"  
Jill started to protest, but their mother walked into the room.   
Griffin took a deep breath, trying to appear as if everything was fine. "What's wrong, Mom?"  
"Nothing. I was just letting you know I'm taking the little ones to get their flu shots tomorrow." She stared at her two eldest children with sad eyes.   
"OK." Griffin frowned, "Are you, ok?"  
"Yeah, of course." She crossed the room, wrapping her arm around each one, and kissing their heads. "You two know how much I love you and how proud I am of you both, don't you?"   
Jill gave Griffin a confused glance as he spoke slowly, "Yes, we know."  
"Good. Because I do ... love you both. Very much."  
"We love you too, Mom." Griffin hugged her.  
Jill scrunched up her face, like she would do when trying to fix a math problem and not understanding the process. "Mom, you're freaking me out. Are you sure you're, ok?" Jill looked up at her with wide, nervous eyes.   
She smiled, "Nothings wrong! I just wanted to let you know I'm picking the kids up tomorrow and we'll probably be gone when you get home. You know how long those health centers take!" She gave them one last squeeze then left the room, smiling as she closed the door.  
Jill dropped to the bed, a tear running down her face. For a moment, as Griffin looked at her, he remembered the story about the princess his mother used to tell them when they were little. He wanted to laugh at the stupid theme with his older age, but as he looked at Jill, it seemed all to fitting in the moment. For Jill could be that princess that washed away in a river of her own tears.   
  
********  
  
"You're Jill's brother, aren't you?" Griffin looked up from the bike he was working on, facing who he assumed was the infamous Bailey.  
"Yes." He shook his head, "Why is everyone always asking me that?" He shook his head.  
"Are you busy?"  
Griffin shuffled past him, grabbing a wrench. "If you're looking for Jill, she went to the Mall with h--"  
"No, I wanted to talk to you."  
Griffin looked up, "You her boyfriend?"  
"Yeah. Well, actually no. We broke up." He shoved his hands in his pockets, looking down at his feet for a moment. "That's kinda what I wanted to talk about."  
Griffin shrugged, "Look, I didn't even know who you were, I just assumed. I certainly don't have any answers for you on the relationship."  
"No, that's ... that's not it. That's not why I'm here. I mean, I guess I could talk to your Mother about this, but-"  
"Actually, you can't. My mother doesn't live here."  
Bailey glared at Griffin, resenting him for making things harder, "If you don't want to talk to me just say it, ok? But stop lying. I spoke to your mother a few days ago!"  
Griffin stopped working on the bike and looked at him, "She left. She moved out, took all my little brothers, and left me and Jill here ... just a few days ago." He glared at the smug looking white-collar-frat-boy and turned away, "Don't think I'd lie about my mother disowning us, please. I'm not nearly as much the attention seeker as you must think."  
"I'm... oh, man, I'm sorry. I didn't ---"  
"No, you didn't!"   
"I'm sorry. I just need to talk to someone who Jill will listen to. We broke up because I told her I was gone if she didn't get clean. She .. she didn't, though. And she won't." Bailey waited for Griffin's reaction, but he gave little to nothing. "She's doing too much too fast. You've known about it, haven't you? I mean, how could you not have noticed?"   
Griffin looked away, his voice a whisper, "You spoke to my Mom? About Jill?"  
"Yeah, but she said she didn't believe me. She actually got very angry, saying she can't be everywhere at all times, so I figured I'd try handling it myself, but ... I can't do it alone."  
Griffin took a deep breath, his heart seeming to have ended up somewhere near the pit of his stomach, "You told my Mother that Jill has a drug problem?!" Griffin closed his eyes on the realization, but shook the thought away. "Nevermind." He turned back to the bike, continuing with his work.  
"Look, I don't know what else to do here, Griffin. I know how close you two are. She talks about you all the time and ... she's in trouble, man. I mean *real* trouble! And I have tried everything I know to do."   
Griffin kept working, seeming to ignore him.  
Bailey finally lost his temper at her unemotional family members and grabbed the wrench from Griffin's hand and threw it on the ground, "Dammit, she's a druggy! She's so high all the time she can't remember what lies she's told and who to! Don't you see it? Do you even care?!"  
Griffin turned and pinned Bailey against the wall, fury in his eyes, "Of course, I care! You know nothing about us, ok? You probably live in some huge house, in some ritzy neighborhood that sits on top of a white collar wearing hill and overlooking the ocean! You know, where there are no problems? But in the darker neighborhoods, we're swimming in problems!"   
He took a deep breath, steadying himself and realizing he was hurting the guy. He pulled back, letting Bailey free of his grasp. Surprisingly Bailey didn't take off, but instead stepped even closer, "I have plenty of problems, man. We all do. But this is one problem I hope we both don't just decide to ignore." He backed away, holding Griffin's eyes until he got to the doorway, then turned and quietly left.  
  
**********************  
  
Griffin entered the coffee house and spotted Jill behind the counter. She was looking for a filter when he took a seat at the bar. She stood up surprised to see him there. "Oh, God, don't start with me, Griff. Not here. I'm working." She turned away and started making more coffee.  
"Your little boyfriend paid me a visit today. He's a pretty cool guy."  
Jill looked back at him, "He -- he is?"   
Griffin laughed, "Hell, you're the one sucking face with him all the time. Aren't you obviously supposed to think he's cool?"  
"I meant, *you* think he's cool?"  
"Yeah. And he seems to really care about you."  
"We broke up." She turned back to her coffee, not wanting to talk about Bailey, anymore. He had been the only guy to ever like her for who she was on the inside, not for what she looked like or how much she'd put out. The fact *he* had broken up with her was a much bigger hurt than she could ever have imagined.   
Griffin understood her and gave her a small pardon - for the moment. "Why would it matter what I think of him, anyway?"  
She looked back at him for a brief moment, then turned away, whispering. "It matters."  
"Why did you guys break up, anyway?"  
"Because he was boring. I got tired of the good ol' boy routine." She walked off to serve a customer. When she returned she poured Griffin a cup of coffee, "Drink up, now. Free coffee always tastes the best."  
"I know he broke up with you, Jill."  
She felt her heart drop, but forced a big smile, "What do you want, Griffin?"  
"I was looking for my sister. Her name is Jill. Have you seen her around? She's seemed to have disappeared."  
"Maybe she's just hiding from you."   
He took a drink, slowly. She shook her head and started to walk away, but he grabbed her hand, stopping her. "Is that true?"  
"What? Look, I have customers!"  
"Is it because of me? Did I do something to hurt you?"  
Jill stood silently, staring at the floor.   
"Or maybe not me, but someone? Are you hiding from something?" He knew she wasn't going to answer him, but he continued pleading to deaf ears, hoping she might let some of it sink in. "I have to admit that you're scaring the hell out of me, lately. I can't even find the real Jill in there, anymore. And the scariest thing yet, is that people who have only know you a short time can't recognize you anymore, either."  
"What the hell does that mean?" She whispered, trying to keep the customers from hearing their conversation.  
"That means you've gone from Jill to a junkie in a very short amount of time."  
She refused to look at him, merely breathing the words, "I'm not a junkie."  
"Yes, you are. And going from a junkie to a statistic is done in even less time." He lifted her chin, forcing her to look at him, "I love you, Jill. I don't think I can watch you hurting yourself anymore."  
Jill turned her eyes from his, a tear starting to run down her cheek, "Well, you don't have to watch, then." She pulled her hand from his and left him sitting alone as she hurried off to the back room.  
  
******************  
  
Griffin sat in he bleachers, watching the football team practicing. He saw them heading toward the locker room and ran down to the field, approaching Bailey. "Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?"  
Bailey was surprised to see Griffin, but followed him to the side bench. "How's Jill?"  
Griffin smiled, knowing Bailey really *did* care about his sister. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I'm really sorry I went off on you the other day." He paused, not sure how to start the conversation, but finally just sighed deeply and jumped right in, "The thing is that I've . . . I've been literally breaking her heart for weeks, thinking even if I lost my sister's love and friendship through this, it would be worth it if that's *all* I lost. Anything is worth not losing my sister, all together. Ya know what I mean? But, the thing is that I'm the one she goes to when her heart is broken. I'm the one she cries to. I'm the one she tells all her problems too, and sees her through her pain .. and..." He looked across the football field, watching the sun starting to set in the distance.   
"She doesn't hate you, Man," Bailey offered.  
Griffin swallowed hard and turned back to him, "I'm the one who is totally ripping her heart out and she doesn't have anyone to go to. She isn't going to talk to her friends about this. They're using too. You and I are the only ones to *really* know what's going on with her. We're the only ones she knows cares enough that she might talk to. But she can't talk to me. Not right now. "  
"She won't talk to me, either."  
"Could you just do me a huge favor, please? I really need your help on this one."  
"What?"  
"Please, just be there for her?" He shook his head, "It's not like I'm saying let her use in front of you and act like it doesn't bother you, but just tell her you're trying to understand her and will be there for her while she tries to get clean? I tried, but it's not working. I know it's gonna have to be a total attack on her from my side and I can't do that unless I know she has someone she loves there for her."  
"I understand, but I don't think she cares that much about me."  
"She does. You're the only guy to ever treat her nicely, Bailey. She has a real habit of going out with jerks that just use her and throw her away. I know you are the first one to really like her for who she is. I can see how much that means to her when she talks about you."  
Bailey looked down at his hands, speaking quietly, "I love her. I'd do anything to help her."  
"Good.. good." He cleared his throat, looking around the field again, "I guess you better go change, huh?"  
Bailey nodded, "Yeah." He walked a few feet then turned back to Griffin, "You know she was right about you."  
"How so?"  
"She once told me that God chose you for her brother. That your name means 'protector' or 'savior' or something like that."  
Griffin smiled sadly, "Yeah, she's always been into names and signs and stuff."  
Bailey nodded, "Ever wonder why she likes being a Gemini so much?"  
Griffin smiled, answering slowly, "Because she has a twin." He knew the answer all to well. He and Jill - always and forever. "Thanks, Bailey."  
  
*************  
  
Griffin peered around the waiting room, watching the ER staff running around, tirelessly. He looked down, not being able to watch the crazed staff anymore, but saw blood on the floor near his chair. "God," he whispered, moving over into the next chair, feeling his stomach knotting up. He felt a light tap on his shoulder and turned around, facing a little girl. She looked at him with the biggest, brightest green eyes he'd ever seen.   
She studied him for a moment before slowly climbing from her chair. She carefully toddled around the chairs to his side, stopping in front of him, as if waiting for something. She smiled softly, "Hey mister."  
"Hey."   
She looked down seeing her tiny feet in comparison next to his. She giggled and twirled her golden hair around her finger. "My shoes are new."   
He looked at her red sandals and smiled, "They're pretty."  
"Mama bought 'em for me. Don't you think they look like the woobie slippers?"  
Griffin gave her a puzzled look and she laughed, "Oh, you are an old person, I guess you don't remember. You know, Dorothy and the yellow brick road?"  
He smiled, "Yeah! Yeah, you're right, they look *just like* the ruby slippers."  
She looked around the room, whispering, "I don't like it here. It's too loud."  
"It's kind of scary, isn't it?"  
She nodded, "It's cold and loud. And I don't like it."  
Griffin looked around, "Where's your Mommy?"  
"Back there." She pointed toward the admissions desk.   
"Are you out here all by yourself?"  
"No." She smiled, "I'm with you."   
Griffin returned her small smile, wondering if she felt alone as he did. Wondering if she found his company as comforting, as he did hers.   
"What's all over your shirt?" She made a face at the stain.  
"Um," Griffin forced a laugh, "My little sister threw up on me. You know how babies do sometimes?"  
"I hate that!!" She made a face, then quickly recovered, her eyes serious, "But if she's sick, she couldn't help it."  
"Maybe not ..... Do you have a little sister?"  
"Not yet. But that's why we're here. I think Mama is having the baby, now."  
"You excited?"   
"I don't know." She frowned for a moment, and leaned closer whispering her secret to him, "I don't know if I'm going to like being ignored, now."  
Griffin shook his head, "They won't ignore you. They just have to take care of a new baby. And you can help take care of it, too."  
She shrugged her shoulders, unsure. "So, why are you here?"   
He frowned, "My sister is sick. I had to bring her in to see the doctor."  
"I hope they don't make her get a shot! I hate shots! They hurt!!"  
Griffin smiled at her soft voice, "Yeah, they do hurt."  
"What's wrong with her?"  
"I ... I'm not really sure." Griffin swallowed hard, the knot in his stomach tightening, again.   
"Can I sit with you?" The little girl held his hand, her eyes searching his.  
"Sure," He picked her up and set her on his lap.   
She leaned back settling against his chest, continuing to play with his hand, intrigued by his rings, "What's your name, mister?"  
"Griffin. What's yours?"  
"Jillian. But Daddy calls me Jill." She pulled at her tights, then settled back. She looked up seeing his sad face, as a tear ran down his cheek. "Don't cry. The shot will only hurt for a second. She'll be ok, then. Maybe you could take her out for ice cream later. That fixes anything!"   
Griffin forced a smile, whispering, "Yeah, I bet she'd like that." He looked toward the front doors, trying to ignore the growing, deepening, terrifying feeling that he would be walking out of there alone. Forever.  
  
**************************  
  
"I hope you don't mind me leaving, right now." Erica brushed a strand of Griffin's hair behind his ear. "I just have to go for the print work."  
"I'll be fine."  
"Yeah, I figured you would be. You're strong like that." She smiled, kissing him hard.   
He couldn't give her back the same passion and pulled away, "Don't .. don't you miss her, like, at all? She was your best friend, wasn't she? "  
"Yes, I miss her!"  
"You don't act like it."   
She grunted, finding his accusation a tad annoying, "I just refuse to let life bring me down. We have the ability to make life what we want. I choose not to wallow in self-pity over every little thing that gets in the wa--"   
Griffin shook his head at her words, interrupting, "Every little thing?! I don't think my sister and your best friend *dying* is a little thing!"  
"Oh, baby, that's not what I meant." She kissed his cheek, "I meant *you* have the ability to change your position and attitude in life. Don't let something hold you down and make you not care about life."   
Griffin turned away, his stomach getting sicker with each word she uttered, "Your plane is boarding, you better go."   
"Griffin? I'll can you tonight, ok?"  
"Yeah. Later." He watched her walk through the terminal, then turned and left the airport, recalling later that he'd never seen any of the people's faces.   
  
*****************  
  
Griffin stared at the small casket, trying to imagine how all of Jill: body, mind and spirit, could fit in that little box. It made no sense. He had always seen his sister as a huge bright pulsating vibrant light - how could it be so cold and small where she was to spend the rest of eternity? He slowly wandered away, not being able to stand the knowledge his sister *was* in that wooden box.   
He had tried so hard to take comfort in the arms and company of the family and friends, but found the open air of the cemetery as claustrophobic as lying in the trunk of a car! He couldn't stand to be between people. He couldn't stand to hear people talking about the "wasted youth" or the "tragic loss" or the "perils of pride", whatever the hell that meant! They spoke of his sister, his best friend, his soul mate, as a statistic, a nameless, faceless, foolish accident. They spoke of her as if she hadn't really ever existed.   
He knew if he could get away, he might be able to breathe again. He shoved his hands in his pockets, shivering, thought it wasn't that chilly of a morning. He looked across the cemetery, trying to figure where the best place to go was. If only he has a tourist map to point out the best place to have a total nervous breakdown, he'd be good to go! He grunted at his own sick humor and crossed the yard.   
He leaned up against a tree a few feet away from the mass of people and fixated on his father's stone face as he stood silent, next to the preacher. He watched the torment painting his father's face and realized that, for once in his life, he could actually empathize and understand him. He tried to pretend that the Major would be shoved into reality and realize that all he had left was Griffin. That he would see what that meant and prove how much he loved his eldest son. That he would realized that life is so strange and short, and sometimes the only saving grace is a soul of the same cloth - family.  
But he knew all along that his father would never understand him. Griffin was never going to know what it was to be truly and unconditionally loved by anyone . . . except Jill. He grunted, leaning over at the sharp pain stabbing into his ribs. He couldn't breathe and begged to find the air. Dammit! How could he be so weak? Why was he acting like a God damned child?! He stood up straight forcing a deep breath into his lungs. He shoved his hands in his pockets again, turning away from the services and started through the cemetery, back to save quarters.   
He passed little groups of people along the way, catching wind of broken conversations, "that's the brother ...... Griffin...... they only had each other .... just him ...." he grunted, walking past a girl he'd never seen before, and hearing more gossip from her, but not caring to listen. In fact, it made him want to scream and run away faster than he ever had. He picked up his pace and as soon as he was out of sight, he did just that - speeding past the trees and children, and lakes, all the way to the only place he could think to go.   
  
********************  
  
"I thought I might find you here." Belinda approached Griffin slowly, not sure how he would react to her presence.   
"I'm sorry, I'll leave." He started to stand from the lake side, but Belinda stopped him, holding him softly.   
"No, stay." She gently took his hand in hers, sitting down beside him. "Are you, ok?"  
"She's dead." He replied, matter-of-factly, not lifting his eyes from the enchanting water. "My sister, she overdosed." He forced a laugh, "She overdosed on shit that my best friend's brother gave her. Believe that?"  
"I know. I ... I heard. I'm so sorry, Griffin."  
"You know when we were little my Mom said we were like twins. You ever heard of those freaky connections between twins?" He pulled a piece of grass from the ground and gently tore it in half, speaking slowly, "Like we'd sleep in different rooms, but we would sometimes talk in our sleep - to each other. She said they were perfect conversations, too - even though we had two rooms between us and couldn't possibly hear each other. Isn't ... isn't that weird?"  
Belinda nodded, smiling.   
"And sometimes when she would get sick, so would I. I once threw up while I was on a field trip for school." He laughed, "We ... we went to this theater to watch a *really* bad version of Macbeth, and I puked right in the middle of the auditorium. I wasn't sick, though, and had no idea what had happened. When I got home I found out Jill had gotten sick at school during lunch, which was the same time I had gotten sick."  
"Wow."  
"Yeah, freaky shit like that, you know?" He laughed, then his face fell and a strange uneasiness took hold.  
"Griffin? What's wrong?"  
"Why didn't I know when she was in trouble? Why didn't I feel it? I should have felt it, right?" He shook his head, "I should have felt everything she was feeling. It's my fault. I didn't pay enough attention."  
"No! No, it's not. You tried to help her as much as you could, Griffin! It's nobody's fault. It's not even her *own* fault." She turned him to her, "Griffin, sometimes life is complicated and scary and sometimes people find it to painful to accept. Some people can't handle things and end up making horrible mistakes. But it's just that - a mistake. She isn't at fault. And neither are you. In absolutely no way!"  
Griffin shrugged, lost in his own little world. "She was alive ... when I found her." He struggled to keep the tears back and shook his head, "I dunno, maybe it would have been easier if she were gone when I got there. I mean, I had too much hope that she might actually be OK." He tightened his hand into a fist, squeezing so hard that his skin was turning white, although he didn't notice he was doing it. "I had to bring her to and then drive her all the way across town to the hospital, while slapping her every five seconds just to keep her awake ... I don't know, man, maybe I should have just left her alone instead of hurting and dragging her around the last minutes of her life. Maybe if I had been different or gentler or .. *something* ... she'd be ok."  
"No, Griffin." She gently caressed his cheek, making him look at her, "She knew how much she was loved. She knew how hard you were trying to save her. And she didn't die all alone. She left this world and entered the next, with *you* by her side. Don't you understand what that meant to her? What it still means to her?!"   
"No, it's over. That's life, I guess. Or not life, in this case." Griffin stood, glancing down at her, "I gotta go." He slowly walked away, deciding to cut through the trees.   
Belinda watched until she couldn't see him anymore. She could still hear his footsteps, though, with the crisp winter leaves snapping and crackling underfoot. Then she couldn't hear him anymore, either. She threw a stone into the lake, staring at the ripples it caused in the water and silently prayed for Griffin. She knew she could no longer be the one to help him. She caused too many problems and too much pain in the process. But she prayed someone would. Whoever it might be. She prayed for him, placing her love and good-bye to him forever, on the wings of the prayer.  
  
****************************  
  
Griffin slammed his locker, thinking about cutting the next class. Suddenly he felt someone's eyes on him. He looked up to see the stranger he'd seen in the cemetery the day before. She stared at him, a sickening pity in her yes. It immediately annoyed him, "What?"  
"I saw you yesterday ... at the...I keep seeing you. How are you doing? Are you okay?" She looked nervous, but determined, " I knew her. Jill. 'Cause she and my brother...well, anyway, I knew her and I thought maybe--"  
"What?"  
She tried to smiled, but only managed to shift her frown, "We could talk or something."  
Griffin felt a terrible annoyance spreading through him, deepening with every second the chick was in his face. He figured he'd mess with her, too. Show her how it felt to be attacked in one form or another. He gave her a straight glance, "Or something?"  
"I thought maybe I could help you."  
"What makes you think I need help?"  
"She was your sister."  
He wanted to scream at her, but instead tilted his head, slowly, "So?" He turned closer to her, "So, you understand what I'm going through?" He took a step closer to her, and saw her uneasiness.   
"Y-Yes."  
"You understand *me*..." He moved even closer to her, watching her move back from him as far as she could, her back pushing against the locker, "You understand what I need?"  
"I--"  
He leaned closer to her face, using his deepest, edgiest voice, "You know how to make it all better."   
He had her trapped between him and the lockers and she started to get scared, not knowing what to say, but refusing to back out, "Well, I..."  
Griffin was liking her reaction, trying to pretend she was cool, meanwhile wishing she'd never come near him. He had a slight moment of fun watching her. He finally decided to let her off the hook, "You don't know anything!" He pushed away from the locker, leaving her behind in a deserted hallway, deciding to definitely cut the rest of the day. He left school and all its shitty memories behind for the day.   
  
**********************  
  
"Griffin?"  
He turned around, seeing the annoying girl again, "Man, you don't learn."  
"I wanna talk to you."  
"What is your problem? I don't want *anything* from you, okay? So, just -- will you just get *outta here*? Stop following me around!"  
"No, please. I have this...this coat for you..."She offered a brown leather jacket, holding it shakily.   
He stared at the garment, his voice deepening to that edginess that she apparently found threatening, "A coat? You're giving me a coat?"  
"Well..."  
"Is that what's going on? You're, like, *worried* about me? So you give me a freakin' coat?"  
"No, you don't understand, It--"  
Griffin had finally had enough of her. He enjoyed playing with her, letting her see how it was to be messed with and offended like he was. But suddenly he had seriously had enough! "Get the hell outta here! You understand that? I don't want you . . . talkin' to me . . . or followin' me around.... I don't need you to feel sorry for me!" He gestured to the jacket, "And I don't want your damn coat!"  
"It's from Jill.... she, um, told me about losing your coat in New York and see this...stupid old thing here...she was gonna buy it for you.. she was planning to give it to you to replace the one she lost. She told me that, only she never got around to it...so I just thought--"  
He looked away, his voice quiet, "Go away."  
"Look, I know what it's like...to lose someone. I know how it feels. And I'm sorry." She shoved the coat closer to him, "You just... looked so cold. And I thought you should have this." She waited until he finally took it from her, then turned and walked away, hoping he would wear it. She knew Jill would want that.  
Griffin waited until she was out of sight, before really inspecting the jacket. The scariest part about it, was that he knew Jill *would* pick out something like that. She loved vintage buys, mostly because every shirt, jacket, necklace, whatever, had a whole lifetime of stories.   
She loved bringing home some old shirt and telling him about the old musician who probably wore that shirt on stage during Woodstock, or how the bracelet she was wearing had previously been given to a wife for the birth of their first child, or how maybe the belt she just bought for had actually been owned by a young Madonna! She was constantly doing such things and he knew Bailey's sister was telling the truth. Jill *had* picked out that jacket.   
He started to put it on, but couldn't just yet. He instead wrapped it around the crook of his arm and carried it, waiting until he got home to really study it. He knew it was a stupid thought, but it was too personal a thing to do in the middle of a crowded school hallway. Jill was more important that that.  
  
********************  
  
  
"Hey."  
Griffin recognized Julia's voice and turned to her, "Hey."  
Julia smiled at the jacket, "Looks good on you. Did you find that little ticket stub in the pocket?"  
"Yeah."  
"A boat trip to Point Reyes. I was thinking about how the guy who owned this coat took his girlfriend there and they spent the whole day." She unleashed an innocent smile, "It was probably the day they fell in love."  
Griffin watched her touch the chest of the jacket, gently, wondering if she was still scared of him. "And look at these little white stains. I bet he had a baby. And even though he was probably a pretty tough guy, he would hold his little girl with her head right there. And she would let out little milk burps." She laughed nervously, looking at him for a moment, then back to the jacket, "And this mark? Red wine from some big celebration---"  
Griffin smiled, playing along, "He won five hundred bucks in the lottery."  
Julia smiled, looking into his eyes, "Right."  
"Or maybe his horse came in."  
"Right! Wonderful things happened to the people who owned this coat. Wonderful things happen all the time."  
"Yeah, maybe you're right."  
"I am."  
Griffin had to smile at her assurance. He could tell she was still a little scared of him, and he didn't blame her. He'd acted like a creep and she looked more innocent than anyone he'd seen in a long time. He started to feel bad for being so cruel. Especially to someone who looked so fragile, once he actually *looked* at her.   
"What about this?" He pointed to a small tear on the inside flap of the jacket. She started to think up a life for it, but he interrupted her thoughts, "I was going to the coffee house. Wanna come with and finish the life story of the jacket?"  
"Could be hundreds of lives for it."  
He smiled, "Then I guess we better get *a lot* of coffee."  
"Ok..." She fidgeted with her book bag and started to follow him, smiling inwardly at his macho act having disappeared. She couldn't believe he was Jill's brother. Jill was so loud and hyper, and he was so quiet and reserved. Then again, he didn't know her very well, yet. She watched him stopping to let her pass in front of him and vowed to be everywhere he turned from that moment on. She was going to *make* him get to know her. And he was going to like it.   
"Or maybe we should go for ice cream, instead?"  
Julia laughed, "Ice cream? It's kinda cold for ice cream, isnt it?"  
Griffin smiled, gently throwing his arm around her, shaking her animatedly, "No! Didn't you know? Ice cream fixes everything!"   
  
THE END   
  
**************************  
"I close my eyes only for a moment  
and the moments gone  
all my dreams pass before my eyes and curiosity   
dust in the wind,   
all they are is dust in the wind.  
Same old song   
just a drop of water in an endless sea  
all we do crumbles to the ground  
though we refuse to see.  
Dont hang on   
nothing last forever but the earth and sky  
it slips away   
and all your money, wont another minute buy  
dust in the wind  
all we are is dust in the wind"  
"Dust in the Wind' Kansas   



End file.
